I wouldn’t put this past Andrew Jeremy Wakefield

In case you haven’t heard, a whole bunch of dolphins have died from measles in Italy. Since he’s showing himself to be a media whore during the outbreak of measles in humans in Wales, someone went and wrote up a parody of what Andrew Jeremy Wakefield would have said if he were to also attract attention from measles in dolphins. Enjoy:

“Over one hundred dolphins have died due to measles and washed ashore on the coast of Italy. Like the current measles outbreak in Swansea, Wales, is nothing more than the ill-effects of a vaccine policy that continues to favor the profits of big pharma over the safety of the dolphins that receive the combined measles, mumps, and rubella vaccination.

I have in my possession, a 25,000-page report, written by myself, single-space, 0.5-inch margin, in which I detail the problems with the MMR vaccine one-by-one as well as the findings of two of my closest associates on the government cover-up conceived by the reptilians. My “porpoise” in writing this report, if you’ll pardon the pun, is to show that the single jab vaccine that I patented would have been safer and easier to use on dolphins than the MMR. It’s one jab instead of the triple jab. You try jabbing a dolphin three times!

Further, the fact that there are no autistic dolphins should be a clear signal to the medical establishment of the implication of MMR in causing autistic enterocolitis autism. If we were to give them the MMR shot to contain this outbreak of measles, we will surely see a rise in the number of cases of autism in the dolphin community. I have spoken to leaders in the dolphin community, and they have told me that they do not wish to lose any of their children to autism.

Should my lawyers allow me to release this report, the world will indeed see that the measles occurring in the dolphins is not a result of my fraud. Rather, it is the result of Dr. Salisbury not debating me live on television and with Piers Morgan as the host and moderator. The world deserves to see us both in wet suits as we negotiate an obstacle course and prove once and for all that I am not a fraud when it comes to my thighs.”

Rap Battle: Jenny McCarthy vs. Jonas Salk

There is a website called “Epic Rap Battles of History” where historical characters are pitted against each other in a rap battle. What is a rap battle? A rap battle is where two rappers (men or women) insult each other with witty comments and insults to the point where the other person doesn’t have a comeback for what was said about them. Go check out their website if you want a taste. My favorite is Dr. Seuss vs. Shakespeare.

I was thinking that the anti-vaccine and pro-vaccine “debate” should have its own rap battle. (I place “debate” in quotations because you can’t really debate the reality of the science behind vaccines versus the fantasy of the anti-vaccine side.) This rap battle would be between a vaccine-creating legend like Edward Jenner or Jonas Salk. I’d choose Jonas Salk because he is more recent. The younger, rap-loving audience wouldn’t quite grasp who Jenner was. But who would represent the anti-vaccine side?

Who has their own “body count” web site?

Jonas Salk would fight Jenny McCarthy, of course! And it would start with Dr. Salk probably rapping something like this:

Well, lookie here, what is this that we’ve got?
Some cute, dumb blonde posing for her next shot.
Oh, what is that which you say, “Too many too soon”?
We’d all be better off listening to a baboon.
Because you don’t know sh*t, my dear Ms. McCarthy,
So how about, for a change, you let science inside thee?
I am the doc who saved kids from getting the polio,
You’re just some has-been with a clothes-free portfolio.

Jenny would probably reply with:

Do you know what you did, you crazy old geezer?
Your f*cking vaccine is better off in the freezer.
‘Cause you and your Pharma shills are damaging babies,
Sure, they can be crippled, and maybe get rabies,
But they won’t get autism, MS, or the scabies.
So how ‘bout you shut up and go back to your grave,
When it comes to my Google knowledge you don’t make the grade.

Dr. Salk comes right back with:

What?! You mean to tell me that you didn’t go to college?
That blogs and fraudulent studies were the source of your knowledge?
Oh, dear child, do you know what you did?
You scared off parents from protecting their kids!
Are you intentionally trying to bring back the measles?
Let me guess, Google told you that vaccines contain diesel.
Screw you and screw Wakefield, that sh*t for brains weasel.

Jenny retorts:

It’s not just from Andy that I get all my info,
I get it from Tenpenny, Mercola, and other such people.
They did all their research and gave me information,
So I can go spread it throughout the whole nation.
Now go back to your grave, you Big Pharma goon,
Or I’ll feed you some bleach with this big, rusted spoon.

Finally, Dr. Salk brings it:

Oh, really, my dear, you’re nothing but threats,
You’re some washed up pinup, just full of regrets.
I’m a legend of medicine, a hero to people,
You’re someone who loves and embraces the measles.
How ‘bout YOU go back and tell all your quacks
That we’re bringing some truth, b*tch, that we’re coming back!